RW163 - Found in the Bog

This week, Dan and John talk about:

Bonus content for Patreon subscribers:

The show title refers to John always having to take the hard way throught the jungle instead of taking the road because he doesn’t trust the people who have built the road and he has to make sure there is not some wisdom to be found in the bog.

John going up early (RW163)

John got up a little bit early, early enough that he was able to get himself a peanut butter sandwich, which means peanut butter and jelly sandwich with raspberry jam exclusively and chunky peanut butter. Having a little food is very different for him. Normally he wakes up in the morning, passes through a kitchen trying to scramble up some coffee, and then he sits down and starts podcasting. Generally when he starts podcasting he has had two sips of coffee and has been awake 10 minutes, which really characterizes his entire podcast oeuvre because he is slow to wake up and drags out a bed.

If John is not doing a show he will sit on the couch drinking coffee and staring into space and if someone tries to talk to him, like his daughter, he is saying: ”Just give daddy a little while to get awake!” In his broadcasting career he immediately starts talking within minutes of waking up, which means that the person every one of their listeners knows is someone who isn't awake yet. It doesn't mean that he is slower, but he still has a few toes in dreamland, he is in a little bit of a daze, and he is punch drunk. John has been podcasting for eight years and the whole thing would be so different if he did shows starting at 6pm or 9pm.

One time they recorded an episode later in the day and it was completely different. One Roderick on the Line episode that people loved was the one they did about House Trotter (see RL182) that they recorded in person in the afternoon at Merlin's house. John has been awake, he had food, and it has a completely different quality. Today John woke up an hour early and had a sandwich, but he is still in that period where he is washing the sleep out of his eyes, so it can't possibly be representative of what it is like to talk to him when he is already awake.

Performing differently when somebody is watching or listening (RW163)

John is extremely distracted right now, while in general when he is doing the shows he has eliminated all distraction. He doesn’t have toys on the desk or anything like that, nobody is trying to talk to him, he is always alone, nobody is watching him and nobody can hear him either, which are key things. If John was sitting in his office like Dan, knowing that Haddie is on the other side of the glass, his show would be completely different because he would be primarily performing for the person right there. Although he would be talking to Dan he would also be talking to Haddie, he would include her, wink at her, and think about what had she will think about what he is saying to Dan.

John would be putting on more of a performance while now it is just him and Dan because the listeners are not on his mind. In some ways John also turns off visual information, he is not looking at anything, he is just talking. He could do these shows completely with his eyes closed and it would probably be even better if he put on a sleep mask, whereas if he was doing it live or when Adam Pranica or Ken Jennings are here and John is looking at them, he is doing a show with them and he is just talking to them.

Even if his little girl comes into the room and is quietly playing with her LEGO in the corner while he records with Ken he is conscious of her listening to what he is saying and he is performing for her a little bit. He will start to talk to Ken in a certain way, knowing his daughter is listening, and he wants her to understand what he is saying, not that he dumbs it down, but he says it partly to her.

For Dan it is a matter of practice. He knows that it is not different with Haddie sitting there. Anytime he is doing any podcast he feels very much that he is performing, but that is not very different from just having a conversation with someone. If it was Dan and John sitting together at a table in a restaurant or a coffee shop or something, Dan would not be any different with John there than he is here.

There are certain things that you need to do when you are communicating with other human beings that you wouldn't necessarily do when you are by yourself obviously, and that is about the only thing that really changes for him. Whether Dan is here in this room and Haddie is in the next room or whether she has gone to lunch while he is recording doesn't change it at all. It would change if he had his 11 year old son sitting there because there are certain things he wouldn't talk about with him there, but he wouldn't be performing in any different way for him.

John is a performer and his performance isn't noticeably different. Ken would never notice, but John is distracted because there is another person here. Even his daughter, to whom he should by all rights say: ”I am doing my show now, so I am not thinking about you, and if you want to be in here that is fine, but you get no special dispensation!”, but in the back of his head he likes his daughter to be entertained and to understand it. He is not censoring himself, but more like: ”How can I make this entertaining for her? How can I have her listen to this conversation and come away with it feeling that she knows something more, that she feels better?”

This is not just sweet of John as a dad, but he would also do it if it was a cop here waiting to arrest him: ”Okay, let me just finish the show and then you can arrest me!” He would be entertaining the shit out of this cop within the last 20 minutes before he would take him away. It is a natural desire and it is probably what makes him a good performer. He reads the audience, he is tuned in, he is connected, and he is giving them the performance they were hoping for and they leave happy, although that is a tricky thing because he can screw himself up.

There was a guy who wrote them last week (see RW162), saying: ”I am kind of a lover here. Ladies love me and I want to let them down easy! I really like this gal and I am not sure whether I should just go for it, even knowing that it is going to be a rough go for her, losing her shit over me!” - ”Don't get too far ahead of yourself thinking that you know what other people want or need or are thinking at any given moment. Don't start planning her life for her, just do your thing!”

The reason John said that to him is that he absolutely is the same way and if he is looking at an audience or a person and is thinking about what they expect and whether or not he is going to fulfill their needs or desires, he is getting way too ahead of himself because he doesn't know who they are and they could look like somebody who is wanting something and then it turns out they want something else.

Although John is performing and tailoring what he is doing for someone else, he is just clicking between versions of himself, he would never sell himself out by dancing around being something that he is not. He is never going to read a room and be like: ”Yo yo, what's up everybody!” There is a version of him like: ”All right everyone, well thanks for coming and let's get started!” and there is a version him that is: ”Oh my God, this room smells!”, but it is always going to be him, like the way you would pick a golf club out of a thing. You don't have an unlimited number of golf clubs, but when you got to hit this ball 300 yards there are only a few clubs you can pick.

John is often distracted by other things going on in his mind and it is one of the reasons why he enjoys podcasting: He can foreground the thing that he is worried about or distracted by just by starting to talk about it. These shows have no theme and no preparation and John never thinks about what he wants to talk about before he gets here. He can put his frets and his preoccupations, right on the table because Dan says every Thursday: ”What is going on?”

John never comes downstairs, thinking: ”You know what I'm going to talk to Dan about today?”, but he comes always blank slate and sits down and sometimes the preoccupation just doesn't make it out into words and they start talking about something else, but it is there and John has the option of saying: ”Actually, I'm a little bit worked up about a thing!”, which is a big part of what keeps him coming back to it or why this work is gratifying.

John looking back on his life, not being able to accept praise (RW163)

It is really hard for John to look back at the last 10 years and get a good sense of what he was doing and how he has been. For the 10 years prior to that when he was making records and touring it is fairly easy to do because he has calendars and there is a website maintained or archived by our friend Lizbeth in Utrecht that has every single show he ever played starting in 2000.

If he wonders what he was doing on March 24th, 2003, he can go look. John knows what the big chunks of those 10 years are: ”Oh, we were in Europe then. Oh, that was when we were on tour with Nada Surf. Oh, I was making that record then!” and he can thread his emotional well-being and what was going on in his life, whom he was dating, or where he was living. It is all threaded through concrete events.

When John bought his farm in the autumn of 2007 he stopped going on big tours and he stopped having big events. He wrote a column for the Seattle Weekly, but he couldn't tell you what year. It could have been any year between 2007 and 2014. He doesn’t remember when he wrote that column and he doesn't remember whether it was for a year or two years. He remembers the feeling of starting to tweet, but he doesn’t remember when that was, whether that was 2009 or 2011.

Meeting Jonathan Coulton and John Hodgman

John started doing the Jonathan Coulton cruise during its first year 2011, but he had already met Jonathan and Hodgman both on the same day in 2006. Those relationships do define a long period for John because they became very close friends and although they had been college roommates and best friends with each other, John became friends with each of them individually at the same day. They both live in New York. Colton would go on tour, John would see him at shows, he would hang out with him over here‚ Hodgman would go out and John would go hang out with him there, and John would go on tour with him.

John was friends with them individually, but also friends with their pre-existing friendship, which is very complicated in a good way. John met them in the summer of 2006 and it wasn't until 2007 that they started to recognize that they are friends and it wasn’t one of these show business relationships where you meet people out on the road, you know them, you hang out with them, but they were visiting each other, they were going on vacations together, seeking out reasons to do things with one another.

John can find pictures of them from that strange period from 2007 until 2011 and the first JoCo Cruise, these 4 years where they were doing stuff together all the time, but he couldn't tell you when any of it happened relative to anything else. 2011 seems forever ago! If you said: ”Well, you became friends with Jonathan and John in 2011 when you went on the first JoCo Cruise!” - ”That seems about right!”, except they were doing stuff together for five years before the first year JoCo Cruise!

John doesn’t have a way to look back at the last ten years with a confident timeline, and a big part of that is that for 7 of those ten years he was in the throes of declining untreated bipolar. He was super-depressed for long stretches, there was a fog over him, then he would have a strange manic period, but it never had the brightness and color of the manias that he enjoyed in his twenties and thirties. It was a purple mania, but he was building a whole new life for himself. He was talking to Merlin every week, he was out with John and Jonathan who both opened up new worlds for him in terms of fans and new directions for what he did, and none of it really had much to do with The Long Winters, but a lot of stage time.

Moving on

Then he started talking to Dan and started to think of podcasting as a new thing. The only flag pole he can plant is that his daughter was born in the spring of 2011 and he remembers that, obviously, but that seems forever ago and he was still extremely depressed and untreated for the first five years of her life. He would lay there in a state of, not catatonia, but not able to be roused and he had this little kid who was full of life just poking at him, like: ”Hello!” - ”Yeah, I mean I'm here and stuff, but not super here, not really really here, if that is cool with you, kid? Can you toddle off?”

A little over a year ago John said: ”I am going to sell my house, I am going to change my life, and selling my house is going to be a method by which I change other aspects of my life like this stagnancy, which isn't because of my house, but it is all reinforced by and tied up in my house! I have too much shit, I don't know how to differentiate its importance, I am cloaked in sentimentality that I try to process and can't, and it is too pervasive. There is sentimentality on everything around me!”

Attaching sentimentality to objects

John is a profoundly sentimental person. ”Do you want this bent safety pin?” - ”Wait a minute! That is the safety pin that was holding up the pants on the mannequin at the place where my friend was getting his tux made for his wedding. I don't talk to him anymore, but that safety pin really matters!”, which is just crazy: Imbuing inanimate objects with life and mean! A year ago John started to get his house ready, he had all these adventures, he had Sahm out there fixing the porch, he was doing all this incredible landscaping and painting and cleaning and moving and giving stuff away and it lasted all last winter.

Of course that has affected who John is and how he is. Three years ago he was breaking up with Millennium Girlfriend and he was coming out of a fog of: ”What was that relationship? Where did it come from? What did I think? What was I thinking that whole time?” John was in a relationship with that girl for 18 months and looking back he has no idea what he was thinking. He does not think he is vulnerable to losing himself, and it is not that he lost himself, like: ”I'm head over heels and whatever she says is great!”

It was a struggle, it was a fucking Kampf the entire time! A lot of the time he was unhappy, but he wasn't able to step back, get perspective and understand who he was in this and what he needed. John is not good at that in general, and he was really not good in this situation. She was a powerful woman who said: ”Don't worry about it, I will take charge of answering those questions for you!” and his natural reaction is: ”Okay, oh well, shit, glad somebody is driving!”, but it did not serve him very well. John can look back 4 years and see that. He can also look back and see himself running for city council and knowing how that felt, he even can remember what being King Neptune felt like.

But the last year has been characterized by conflicting energies. There was a lot of feeling like: ”I am going to move forward. I absolutely am going to start moving! I cannot at this point in my life remain static and I have to start moving in multiple directions. I don’t want to sell my house! I don't want to clean! I don't want to paint! I don't want to caulk! I don't want to move! I don't want to give any of my shit away!”, but he has to everyday wake up and do these things he doesn't want to do.

During that whole period John was also fighting battles with iHeart media and, feeling like he was doing a tremendous amount of work that he really loved and he wasn't being compensated for at all by people who had promised him that they were going to treat him right.

That felt awful, but he had to keep going. His instinct was to say: ”Well screw it then! Screw all of this!", but he powered through! He should be able to feel pride in himself for all of these things and say: ”You did a good job! It sucked, you kept going, you should be proud!” but John doesn’t have the capacity to say: ”Good job!” to himself.

Receiving unexpected praise, John's shield against praise

A friend sent John a couple of texts in the middle of the night, like: ”Hey! I was thinking of you and I just wanted to send you some praise because I was thinking how much praise there is for you in the world, but how little of it you take seriously and it is too bad that you can't understand how much we love you. Signed your friend!”

It came out of nowhere! John was not expecting it and it wasn't related to anything! She said: ”I was just thinking about that time nine months ago when you did this thing that was impressive and to you it just seemed like this rote thing. I just wanted to say I was thinking about it!” It got through, it made it past John's defenses because he wasn't expecting it, he wasn't fishing for it, it didn't come right on the heels of a thing where he could say: ”Oh yeah, it is all a magic trick!” It stood out as an example where he just actually received praise, and 95% of the time when people give him praise John feels like they are shooting him with praise and he has shields.

John always found praise burdensome because his primary mode is to feel like a disappointment who doesn't deserve nice things or praise. When someone tells him he did a good job his answer is: ”Well, yeah it is too bad that I didn't do the thing that I could have done that would have been a lot better than that, but yeah: Thanks for praising this shabby job I did on this small thing!” Praise feels like an injury, not only because it gives his brain an opportunity to just dismiss it and not accept it, but also to convert that praise into criticism. The praise for what he did stands in bold relief to the thing he didn't do. John is on guard against praise all the time!

Dan can't feel pride about himself either

Dan is exactly the same way. He knows if he has done a good job and he knows if he hasn’t. Dan rejects praise generally speaking and he doesn’t feel pride in things either. People are telling him he should absolutely feel pride: "Look at this thing you have done, look at this thing you have done!” - ”But none of it is really that good, and none of it is good enough!”

Dan is not walking around thinking he will never be happy and this is not good enough, he just knows that it is nothing worth being proud of. He is very proud of his children for things that they accomplish, he is proud of friends if they have an accomplishment or do something great, he can feel good for them which he is told is what pride is, but he can't say that he is or has ever been necessarily really proud of anything that he has done.

People would say: ”What are you talking about? You built 5by5, which was a big thing when no-one else was doing it. You did Fireside and got thousands of customers!” Dan doesn’t not feel any pride in it because there are a billion things left to do and a lot of things could be improved.

Dan is not saying he only sees the faults in those things, but he mostly sees the faults and he is not capable of patting himself on the back, saying: ”You did really well there, that was really good, you should feel good about that!” because if he wastes any time feeling good about that he won't improve it and won't do the next thing that he needs to get done.

John has paid Merlin plenty of compliments and it is hard for Merlin to accept those as well. He doesn’t know what Merlin's relationship to pride is, but he has been his good friend for 15 years now and got a sense of it. John and Merlin have an extremely different emotional nature, and yet he also has a hard time accepting praise. If you asked him to review the last ten years of his life, he wouldn’t say it has been an unalloyed pleasure.

Always taking the hard or dramatic path

For John has lived his life thus far immune to being praised, immune to feeling accomplishment, and immune to feeling pride or joy. As an artist, as a dramatic young man, he cultivated his sense of his own darkness because it was dramatic and he looked like Mr. Darcy (character from Pride and Prejudice). He was out on the fence with his cloak blowing in the wind, feeling nothing but sorrow.

As time went on John recognized he can keep feeding that dragon for the rest of his life, he can be 90 years old and have never felt pride or joy, or he can try to confront it. There are so many things people tell you, like: ”Why don’t you just meditate or yoga, eat right and exercise?”, but John has never taken any path that was offered if there was a chance for him to step off the road with a machete and bushwhack at great labor to arrive at the same location two days later, covered with bruises:

”I'll meet you guys at the bar, but I take a route that I hew from the jungle rather than just go on the road, because Jesus! The road! Am I right? God! The road!” How could John just trust the person who built the road and all the people who walked on it? He has to make sure that there is not some wisdom to find in the bog.

John already stood at a turning point several times, admitting that his life had become unmanageable. For the last year he subjected everyone to his daily frustration and anxiety, expressions of emotion that he never used to allow. He would never have anxiety or talk about it or acknowledge that it was that, but he also wouldn't feel anxiety expressed as anxiety, but he felt depression, the catchall for all negative emotion.

In addition, John didn't express a constant level of frustration, but he would explode in frustrated moments and he has been inflicting it on everyone. He has been making this big change, but it has all been outward, he has been projecting it onto these missions: ”I have to sell the house, now I have to search for a house, now I have to deal with this contract, I have to make these moves, I have to set up this account…”

Throughout this whole season John has not been practicing a different way, except for giving away things and trying to confront sentimentality by saying: ”I am sending this thing that I love the most into the stream in order to be free of it and free of attachment!” Doing big bold moves like that has been one thing, but it was another thing to open up the box of his dad's tax returns from the 1970s and throw them into the garbage rather than to keep them because he thought that one day when he opens his presidential library they are going to want his dad's tax returns.

John has not begun a comprehensive program of exercise, he has not taken any steps to sit with himself and Kumbayah, he has not been going to Alcoholics Anonymous, which he absolutely should have done the whole last year, but he has been white-knuckling it, just grabbing on for dear life.

John making an offer on a house (RW163)

Yesterday John made an offer on the house they were talking about last week (see RW162) and it got accepted by the sellers. The house had scared off all the other buyers because everything about it is insane and anyone in their right mind would (go someplace else).

Just as John's farm, there had been an explosion of activity as soon as it came online. People couldn't believe it was so cheap and so cool, it immediately became a hot home, people were touring it, thinking that it was their dream and whatnot, but as soon as everyone arrived at the house and walked through it and started ticking off all of the things, (they quickly turned away from it). The house is exactly what John was looking for, a 65 year old house that was still in possession of its original owners.

The original owners were Boeing engineers who built the house in the immediate aftermath of the war. Dad was a Boeing engineer during the construction of the 707 and the B-52 while they were still doing regular maintenance maintenance on B-29s. The graffiti around the house makes it very clear that this guy played a role in the development of the 727. He was an electrical engineer and the house is updated because that is how engineers are, but it is not aesthetically updated. It still has the built-in lights that look like little Sputniks, it still has the tile in the bathroom that has little kidney shaped graffitos, like: ”Here's George Jetson!”

1955 was early days for modernism, but these were airplane people. This house is 65 years old and if you were looking for a dishwasher that had a dry cycle, or if you were looking to put something on the stove and have the stove communicate with you in any way, this isn't the house for you. Not only that, but if you were thinking that there weren't going to be stickers on the closet door commemorating the Apollo 11 program you were also mistaken.

This house is intact just from a move-in standpoint. John put the pictures of all the electrical junction boxes that he could find up on Instagram. They are all daisy chained! This guy had a band saw, a drill press, and 15 other major power tools. He had it all wired over the years, meaning there is wiring from the 1950s, 1960s, 1970s, and 1980s.

John needs to hire a qualified electrician to basically start at the street where the wires from the street touch off the house and they are going to have to go all the way through it. Half the outlets are two prong and half the outlets are three, but all the three prong outlets are grounded and the owner did the upgrade that a lot of people did over time, which is: ”Do I need a three pronged outlet here? Yes! So I am putting one in and I am doing it right, but over there all that is ever plugged into that is a lamp, so I don't need to change it!” That is going to cost money and time and effort, but unlike the lake house this is the stuff that John loves to do! He loves to mess around with panels and breakers!

It isn’t unfinished work, but it is work that needs to be upgraded and John can upgrade it the way he wants. He can bring as much power into this house as he wants and he will never have to look at the panel and say: Oh God, I wish I had another 1000 amps, but he just has to put in the number of amps that he wants. It is not that he wants a 65 year old house that has never been touched, but he wants to make his own decisions about what gets changed and what doesn't.

A lot of people toured this house. John went to the open house and stood there and watched people stream in and out and listen to them talk about it and he sympathized with them. A lot of them were young families with three or four kids who were looking for a good elementary school. The elementary school close by is good and part of the reason people want to buy into this neighborhood is the fucking good-schools-baloney, but the house is just daunting and overwhelmed them.

A ”hot home” in Seattle sometimes sells for 50% more than they asked for, and their asking price was low because they expected it would attract a lot of attention and then the House would get bid up, but the house scared and terrified everyone! John made an offer at asking price and there were a couple of other bids, but John beat them all.

The way forward after having bought this house (RW163)

A year and a half ago John's daughter's mother sold her apartment on Capitol Hill and bought a house in South Seattle. That was key for John because he and his daughter's mother both bought their homes at about the same time in 2007. His farm and her apartment were examples of two directions that either of them could have gone back then. She bought a two-bedroom apartment in the heart of Capital Hill and John bought a four-bedroom house out at the edge of Seattle and they paid about the same amount of money for the two properties.

She was maybe even still married or just getting divorced and at that point in time she and John weren't seeing each other and it wouldn't have occurred to them that by 2011 they would have a kid together. When she sold her apartment and bought a house down to South Seattle she paid less for the house in the suburbs than she had sold her apartment for, and that was a story that John just latched onto.

Of course, at 300th you get more house for less money than at 200th, and at 100th and at 10th. She had lived on 10th and she moved out to 200th in exchange for a profound difference in lifestyle. You give up everything that goes along with living on 10th, including a choice of 25 Pho restaurants within walking distance, but she gained this whole project, a new life.

John had this idea that he was going to sell his house and he was going to buy a house down in that neighborhood for less money than he is going to sell his house for. It is going to be part of this story! He sold his house and the market seemed to be flattening, he didn't sell it for what he thought he was going to. The market also never stopped rising in the South because the Southern city had been underpriced. John was terrified that he had sold his house in a depressed market and was now trying to buy a house in a heated-up market.

All summer long, for the last five months, John has been looking at houses every morning, every afternoon, and every evening. He has been touring them, chewing on them, trying to picture himself in them, while the houses in the South-end continued to rise in price and the amount of money he had to spend remained stagnant or declined.

He didn't like any of the houses he saw, either! Eventually he started looking at houses that he couldn't afford and the banks would have loaned him the money for the lake house that he had made an offer on, he could have bought it and it would have been fine, but he would have spent every last penny he had access to. It would have needed all that work and he couldn't have afforded it. He would have been living in drywall dust.

The house that John is in the process of buying now is $250.000 less than the lake house and it is less than he sold the farm for, which means he did it! He spent 18 months pursuing this story and he eventually found a house that he loved and would love to live in. He did it! If he were a better person he would feel pride, he would say: ”You did it!” His sister would say that he manifested it and he would roll his eyes at her.

John stuck to it, he suffered through it, and he spread that suffering to his mom, his sister, his daughter, her mother, and everyone who listens to all of his shows. They all had to suffer along as he agonized, but he did what he set out to do: "Knock on wood!" A million things could still happen, we could all get struck by a lightning, but a month from now John will take possession of a house that he is going to live in for at least a decade.

It is going to be a place that he will pour his energy in. He is going to be working on it, he is going to be making it into a thing, and hopefully he has learned from his experience with the farm that he needs to do that work and not just let it molder and fester: ”If you want a window in there, then put the window in and don't let the lack of that window become a cudgel that you use to punish yourself!” The lack of a window isn't the problem, but the problem is the failure to proceed.

John's new house has an intact bomb shelter, which is right up his alley. He had been looking at houses built in the 1950s in a neighborhood dominated by Boeing engineers, but why has he not seen any bomb shelters? Surely there are houses in this neighborhood that had bomb shelters built into them when they were new? There is also ham radio shit scrawled in the rafters of John's new house because the person probably worked on Apollo. His kids are still alive, they are who sold him the house, and John needs to do some research.

The basement was interesting and weird. One of the hallways went around a corner to a doorway that looked weird from the outside because it was built as a somewhat hardened position, a defensible zigzag. You can't get anything in there, you couldn't put a bed in that room. The interior walls of this room are made out of cinder blocks, but they are not load-bearing and inside there were four bunks for all family members and racks and racks of shelves for their supplies.

There is a clean air in and a dirty air out, and there are rust stains on the floor from 50 gallon (190 l) Civil Defense barrels with fresh water and government cheese. John’s jaw just hit the floor! It is a bomb shelter that still got the beds and not everybody wants that! John doesn’t need it either and he should probably tile it and turn it into a Russian bath. He now has a bomb shelter with a hardened entry point, and although as a bomb shelter aficionado he would have built that entry point differently he is not going to try and fix it now. The prior owner has been defending that position for 65 years, it was good enough for him!

In the process of purchasing this house all of John's potential energy becomes kinetic energy. He cannot move into this house and unpack his sentimentality, arrange it on shelves, go back to being sedentary and self-recriminatory, and rejoin his life already in progress. For the last year and a half he has been focusing on the external process of putting himself into a place where he can begin (a new chapter).

It is completely backwards! Any guru would have said: ”It doesn't matter where you live‚ you just need to get right with the universal oneness!” and Jason Finn would say: ”You just need to eat more kale!” He would love to be John’s guru, even if he in all of his fucking Schützengruben has been saying: ”Get right with God first!” Now all John has to do is work on the electrical, improve this house, and improve himself!


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