RL292 - The Bottom Shelf of Somewhere

This week, Merlin and John talk about:

The problem: John was conjuring a house orb, referring to John manifesting his dream house.

The show title refers to the box that John’s crown from Seafair is stored it. It normally lives on the bottom shelf of somewhere, but John had it displayed in the center of his living room. At one point he broke the box.

John guested on a podcast with Matt Haughey where they talked about Alaska. John got tweets from people saying that it was great, but Matt had never tweeted him when the show was going up, probably because he is not needy. He often sends Merlin DMs about things he is working on that would help Merlin out, but he doesn’t have an assistant who sends you something in the gmail to say ”Here are 5 ways you can promote the podcast you never wanted to be on”

Draft version
The segments below are drafts that will be incorporated into the rest of the Wiki as time permits.

WWDC, the computer show 2018 (RL292)

Because he is recording the show with John, Merlin is missing the WWDC keynote in San Jose. WWDC is the computer show for the computer programmers that is next to the porno show, the one where the guy with the black turtleneck used to walk up and down. It was just starting as they record and Merlin was watching the live stream. A lot of people say it is like Christmas for nerds, but Merlin would call it Christmas for adults: It is going to cost a lot of money and will ultimately be very disappointing. They serve Odwalla juice beverages and the have box lunches. They are going to have some software for computers. It is no longer in San Francisco, but they took it all the way down to San Jose. San Francisco is the head of the penis peninsula, but San Jose is further down the shaft, near the taint, the part that you tickle. There will be some computers they haven’t updated in a while. It is a computer show for computer programmers and there will be classes where you can learn about the new code and how you can implement it in your computer program.

Virtual tweet-ups (RL292)

John had a couple of virtual tweet-ups, which is basically just tweeting, but if you say something like ”Whipperdoodles are the best dog. Don’t at me!” and a bunch of people at him anyway, it feels like a tweetup, because everybody is there at the same time.

Computer programmers (RL292)

There are a lot of computer programmers and John used to mock them by saying computer programming was a vocation. He has met so many of them and all of them are very nice people. John doesn’t understand what they do, but that doesn’t mean it is not important. Merlin confirms that there are still if-then statements in some form. You can do anything you want in a program. You can gamble, you can have weather, Merlin has 6 sleep-trackers, he also has a hardware-device that tracks his sleep and it all takes computer programmers. He does however not have a device that sings to his cat at night to keep her from meowing. She is a Persian with PTSD and got a lot of problems. She can’t breathe when she is sad and brings up 1979 a lot in conversations. There are not many things she is delighted by.

Merlin has an Internet of things light with a special plug where he can say ”Hey dingus, turn off the light”, although he could just bend over and tap the little switch, but he was both too lazy to tap the switch and too lazy to say it to the dingus because he was listening to something on the radio at the time. That is another kind of computer program, like Matt Haughey has one for his garage door.

Unsolicited mail from political campaigns (RL292)

John had put a star next to a house on the Internet, they asked him for his email address and now he gets 40 emails an hour from the real estate agents. Those people are a plague! All he did was fill out a form on the back of a magazine, he can trace all this mail back to that! Now there are old men showing up in rain storms to sit on his couch and talk to him about this great opportunity for real estate.

Merlin gets so many fucking texts from people, like ”Hey Merlin, it is Michelle! I volunteer with London Breed for mayor! London was born and raised in San Francisco and values hard work and integrity. She is running for mayor to make San Francisco safe and affordable for all, here is how:… ” London Breed is an awesome name! John thinks of it as a rose or maybe a show dog. Merlin gets a lot of messages like this. His wife cares about the world and feels strongly about that people shouldn't kill each other with guns, while Merlin is still on the fence a little bit. She got the orange T-shirt and she gets a lot of mail.

After the 2016 presidential election Merlin gave recount money to Jill Stein and is now on their sucker list. He was so desperate at the time that he sent her some three figures of money. Now she is surely sipping drinks on the beach like Eddie Murphy, paying her staff to do all kinds of things, while Merlin is sitting here like a sucker, getting emails and texts from Susan with Nancy Pelosi’s campaign.

All these communications arrive at John’s house in the snail mail! His mailbox is full of letters from Nancy Pelosi and all the different people who are like ”Hey, old person! Put some dollar bills in an envelope!” and John sits next to the mailbox reading them, because he knows he is not going to bring them into the house. His neighbors and the milkman drive by and greet him ”Good morning, John!” and John is reading his mail from the Democrats. Merlin continues to give examples of this kind of email. There was another Susan, which might be the same Susan. There are a lot of them and John has a couple of them in his own family!

John leaving his job as King Neptune of Seafair (RL292)

Seafair is taking things digital and they are not going to have a physical event at Westlake Park where John was knighted last year. They are sunglassing the city on June 21st with a giant pair of Seafair sunglasses on the Fremont Troll and other landmarks as well as participation on social media from Sports teams and celebrities. They asked John if he was available to knight the incoming king and queen. John had been a stickler about this a year ago, because you are not knighting a king and queen, you knight a knight! The location was still not confirmed and John was afraid that he was going to be asked to do it at a Starbucks or at a Clam Chowder restaurant. To hand this off to somebody are his final duties.

Seafair have not consulted John about who the next king is going to be, but he is just supposed to show up at a place. John is glad that he was the last king to be elevated at a big event at Westlake Center. They would love to give him sunglasses on site for his participation in sunglassing the city. If those were just cheap sunglasses, there would be garbage bags full of them somewhere and they would just hand him a pair and not mention it. It is very confusing, because John assumes they must be nice sunglasses to justify a sentence like this. Still, he believes they will almost certainly just dig into a plastic bag and pull out a pair of sunglasses which John will immediately throw into the nearest garbage receptacle.

John has a huge bin of sunglasses in his daughter’s room. They sunglass all the time here, but they have never taken it digital. John cannot keep his crown, but he has to abdicate, not only because he fell in love with a divorced woman, but this is one of these Trianon problems, like the death of the empire or like a George Washington situation: The only way to make this job good for the future is to quit it. John has to be the bigger agent and cannot cling to this crown. He is now the former king, the Duke of Windsor, he is living in France and when he comes to town it is still a big deal, because they once were kings.

The king before John was a member of the Seattle Seahawks football team. Who is the king after him going to be? Merlin is quite upset about how they handle this situation. What does it even mean to go digital? Seafair is entirely a live event operation and the whole point is to get people to come to a thing. All throughout the summer there is no theory of Seafair and there is no digital Seafair (John accidentally says Seafail)

The current Queen Alcyone of Seafair was living in the suburbs, married with two kids, and she had a Downtown business in the tourism sphere that put here in the public eye enough that she became the Queen of Seafair. During the course of their year, she wrapped up her marriage and put a bow on it, got herself an apartment, had some photo shoots, started cross training and is now living her best life, going to parties with her lady friends where everybody is dressed all in white and where they drink drinks with wild colors. They go to places like Palm Springs and Vegas, she is making finger guns, and she is spending a lot of time in swim suits when she is not doing exercise.

She is primarily a business person in a sphere of business where it is a better look if you are having fun. If you were investing other people’s money or trying to become an Episcopal bishop, shots of you with huge sunglasses and a bikini holding a blue drink together with 7 other women all similarly attired would be a bad look, but if you are trying to run a tourism country that focuses on food and alcohol, it is a pretty good look. John got an invitation from her assistant the other day because they hadn’t heard back from him about this thing. They would really love him to come to their all-things-wine event with 700 kinds of wine and people who are running wine into their nose through a tube. John wrote back that there should be an asterisk next to his name because he is not going to attend events where there is not going to be any food.

Early on in their tenure, the Queen had told John that this was the most interesting thing in her life right now. She wanted to talk about this all the time, show up to things and it will be super-fun, but now she is replying to these Seafair emails a lot more slowly, like ”I can’t hear you over the music” and John hasn’t heard one word from her about this event that doesn’t even appear to be an event. John and his Queen could go digital, too, but John has an actual crown that he needs to pass to the new king.

After they originally put the crown on John's head he walked off stage and they handed him a giant Lucite case with a weird pillow in it. This was the case where the crown lived. John wanted them to keep the crown and bring it to events when they wanted him to wear it, but the king keeps the crown, which was fine because John is all about tradition. He is not going to dress prep and act soc, but he is going to dress prep and act prep. He is not a greaser who is dressing like a towny. He is not a mod who is actually a rocker. He is not a cutter who dresses like a college kid.

One reason John is so good at royalty is that he is invested. He is the fucking king! As time went on John was like: You know who doesn’t wear their crown all the time? The king! He wears the crown at state events, but if the king is going to a thing in the hot summer sun where people are racing loud boats, the king is going to leave the crown at home, because it is heavy and it is hot. Instead he is going to wear a sash or some medals. Sometimes John wore a sword and a lot of the time he would make uniforms for himself with a shirt and some epaulettes, some metal on it, and a sash. That was not a demand per se, but John had decided to do it because this is what the king looks like.

In the 1960s, the King and Queen of Seafair had an entourage of dozens, but that all got paired away because as we digitalized things. The consensus seems to be that we like everything to be more casual. First we like Dockers, then pleated pants and eventually it is casual Friday every day. In the end you can come to work in flip flops and a Punisher T-shirt and no-one cares anymore, because: Computers. You can dress like Borat on the beach if you are good at writing if-then-statements and it doesn’t matter anymore if you know how to be a human being.

One of the things that went away with that is the royal court of King Neptune, because who wants to wear a uniform on a hot summer day, shouldn’t we all be sitting around naked? John asked his people who wants to be part of his entourage, but that sounded like a lot of responsibility, which it is! It was summer and they had other stuff to do. Stand up for your city! Marching around behind John when John was the king didn’t sound fun. Jason Finn was very instrumental in John's political campaign, but he did not want to be part of this, because he knew John would put a gesture cap on him and call him Nave.

Somewhere along the line the Lucite box that the crown was in fell off a thing and broke. When he went to youstoreit.org, he couldn’t find a replacement that wasn’t expensive, because even though things are cheaply made now, it doesn’t keep them from being expensive. Nobody ever asked for it except for this day. Of course they knew John had it because that is where the crown lives and most people don’t have their crown displayed in their living room for all to see, but it is on the bottom shelf of somewhere. Not only did John not wear his crown most of the time, but he displayed it prominently in his house, because it is his crown.

John was super-worried about this event because he was going to crown the new king and somebody was going to ask him for the crown box. There is no institutional memory in Seafair and everybody who worked there last year is gone and everybody who works there now just got out of college, but John was still worried about this crown box. He doesn’t want to replace it, because it was a stupid box in the first place. You should just have the crown! Now that they are going digital with it, maybe they never want the crown again and they will just Mac-Paint a crown on the guy? It will be a SnapChat filter! Anyone who is in the Seattle area during that time can click on that filter and it will put a crown, a puppy-nose and sunglasses on them.

Part of the reason why it all of a sudden seems so appealing to John to live in the suburbs is because in the suburbs King Neptune is still a thing. There is still a parade, he wears a cape, and he has got friends who want to be in the parade. He is riding around in a powder-blue Cadillac convertible and he is not in a city where they are just going to digitalize that now. His mom said that John was coming around full circle, going back to the suburbs after having lived decades and decades in Rock ’n’ Roll where suburb is synonymous with all the things they don't want to have anything to do with. John is picturing himself walking around with his King Neptune medals on like a veteran of the great war in the Soviet Union. He will be wandering around like ”I was in Seattle all the way back when they had the parade and before it was digital” and his neighbors would be ”Good on you!” You get a little bit of respect! The Corleones didn’t keep living on the Lower East Side, did they? No, they moved out to the suburbs and then they moved out all the way to Lake Tahoe. They go out there with their silk suits and their oily hair, out to the clean country!

Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License