RL21 - Dead Rubber Girl in My Closet

This week, Merlin and John talk about:

  • Hall & Oates (Music)
  • Rockman effects pedals (Music)
  • Apocalypse Now, The Godfather (Movies)
  • There’s Something about Mary, Dick Tracy (Movies)
  • John being french-kissed by a cockatiel bird (Stories)
  • Having sex with a horse (Dreams and Fantasies)
  • Girls from Portland being a mix between Punk Rock and Hippie (Factoids)
  • Merlin having a crush on Aayla Secura from Star Wars (Merlin Mann)
  • John being sponsored by Gibson, getting a shop tour (Career)
  • Kelly Kiefer looking like an albino black girl (Friends)
  • Real Doll sex dolls, dead rubber girl in the closet (Dead Rubber Girl)

The Problem: Oates, Alfalfa, and some numerous options for love, referring to the band Hall & Oates and - unrelatedly - a horse will always appreciate a bouquet of Alfalfa, especially if you give it to your lady horse the next day.

The show title refers to a sex doll called Real Doll that John calls for a dead rubber girl in the closet.

It is early, too early for John to sing their theme song or Merlin’s theme. Merlin sings ”Merlin Mann! I’m watching you! I see your every move!” (to the melody of Private Eyes by Hall & Oates). This is by far the earliest Merlin and John ever tried to do anything, it might even be the earliest John has ever tried to do anything. Part of the problem is that John has not slept. There may have been times where John decided to clean one of his sidearms at 3:30am, but that was because he hadn’t slept yet. Unless somebody would be sawing down a tree in the next yard John doesn’t normally wakes up this early.

During the show Merlin accidentally calls John for Dan. John accidentally called Merlin for Gibson, which is actually his mom’s dog’s name. He is still around, he is 12 years old now.

Draft version
The segments below are drafts that will be incorporated into the rest of the Wiki as time permits.

Hall & Oates (RL21)

Merlin thinks that Daryl Hall from Hall & Oats does not get the credit he deserves while John Oates gets more than enough credit. John is certainly not accustomed to considering Oates this early (they were recording this episode very early in the day), but Oates is something he saves for after lunch. Thinking about Oates’ place in the Rock pantheon is an aperitif. John agrees that Daryl Hall is one of the great stylists. Merlin made fun of him for a long time. Two artists / bands were way better than he initially thought: Journey is one of them and the other one is absolutely Daryl Hall. If you listen to that Maneater crap, you don’t appreciate what a terribly gifted man Daryl Hall is.

This speaks to the value of the Greatest Hits compilation. John did not understand how good Journey was until he dug into their Greatest Hits (Greatest Hits album from 1988) 20 years ago. Merlin thinks John can stop right there. You should even stop at Separate Ways (from the album Frontiers in 1983) or a little before before that. John is talking about the (Greatest Hits) album with the wings on the cover and the scarab. There might also have been a spaceship that was leaving Earth. It is like all the Boston album covers that show the city of Boston as an enclosed city in a glass pod that blasts off through outer space. The final Boston cover (Corporate America) reveals that the city of Boston is actually on a giant flying space guitar.

Rockman effects pedals (RL21)

Back in the day John was playing through a Rockman (Effects pedal) like everybody did (and like Boston did). Merlin had a knockoff Rockman that was called Stockman from Kansas City Electronics, named after Reagan’s budget director (David Alan Stockman). John Stockman was the basketball player from the Utah Jazz. The confused guy who ran a civilization in Vietnam and was running for vice president with Ross Perot was called (James) Stockdale. He went up the river, he was hard core!

Apocalypse Now, The Godfather (RL21)

”You think he is a crazy man, but he is not a crazy man!” - ”You can’t land on a fraction!” (reference to Apocalypse Now) Merlin memorized that line and anytime he gets bad customer service he can go into Dennis Hopper's monologue from Apocalypse Now. John has been trying to memorize it for a long time, but Hopper is so stoned and it is so improvised that it is very hard to get inside his mind, unlike Michael Corleone's speech in the Italian restaurant when he says ”What I want is a guarantee! No more attempts on my father's life!” and then ”When my family sleeps, when my children play with their toys in my home…” It was before he started yelling a lot.

Merlin has The Godfather trilogy on Bluray, but he only ever watched two of them. He recommends John to watch the amazing documentary about the recent restoration. When you watch that scene in the restored version you can see his ticks and that his face is quivering, which you would never see in the shitty print that Columbia passed off in the 1980s. As somebody who cares about this bullshit it is going to blow John’s mind what they did. There was not an extant usable negative of The Godfather anymore, but they had to scan it frame-by-frame at 4K and fix it pixel by pixel without taking out the noise, that is the key. People are complaining it is very noisy on Bluray, but of course it is, dickhead! Fucking people!

There’s Something about Mary, Dick Tracy (RL21)

John recently had a hand in buying a large television set for a close friend. Because his child is 11 months old now it was time to introduce her to the director's cut of Blade Runner, but John found it very distracting to see how ugly people are now that they are blown up so much larger. Conan O'Brien and Cameron Diaz look like a putt-putt golf course, but not in a good way. John never understood Cameron Diaz. When that movie There’s Something About Mary came out everybody said that it was the funniest movie! Merlin calls her the Kmart Julia Roberts.

John didn't see the movie in the theaters, but as soon as it was available on VHS tape, he and his lady friend at the time rented it and laid down in bed with their feet on the pillows, facing the television and their chins propped up on their hands, which is a sweet image. They were going to watch this really funny romantic comedy that everybody likes so much, but the movie was dead inside, cynical, and unfunny. The image that Cameron Diaz portrayed of what was apparently Every Guy in America's dream girl was so rotten at the core.

Merlin admires anything that involves Jonathan Richman (he was The Singing Narrator in the movie), but he also admires the attempt to make a little world. It was not successful for John, but the idea of an overly ridiculously generous woman and a guy who calls them retards is pretty funny. Those guys //(the Farrelly brothers) are a very broad bunch and they are too broad for John. They also made Jim Carrey popular, which has been really hard on Merlin.

The one movie John ever walked out on where he actually stood up at the front of the theater, threw down his kid gloves in disgust, and made a point of walking out stomping his feet was Dick Tracy starring Madonna. He was pretty indignant that not everyone else in the theater also got up to follow him, and he said: ”Gentlemen! I'm not going to stand here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America!”, but everybody else was chewing their cud like a bunch of cows.

John had made the terrible mistake of smoking a joint before he went to see this movie, which is usually good because it gets you into the thing, but being stoned took him completely out of the movie and he could not relate to the bad acting. There was a lot of make-up and it got into that uncanny valley thing, like watching sex dolls make a movie. They all looked a little bit different and they looked a little bit like people you knew, but with shiny and bigger noses. When it comes to a sex doll movie it depends on who the costars are.

The first movie Merlin ever remembers walking out of was Short Circuit, although it had a robot and Ally Sheedy, whom Merlin would ruin. John loved Short Circuit because the robot became so human, but Merlin is not going to sit and listen to people talk about America like that.

John being french-kissed by a cockatiel bird (RL21)

One time one of John’s friends asked him to help somebody else move a couch. John agreed, they drove over to a neighborhood John had never been to and they met a super nice guy and hung out. John was fascinated by the guy's big white Cockatiel that got on John's finger and it felt like John and the bird really got to know each other. It was a smart bird and they were interacting with each other and having a moment. The guy remarked on it because the bird doesn't usually like other people, but he apparently digged John. They were looking at each other's eyes as the bird leaned down and very gently grabbed onto John’s lip with his beak before he slipped John the tongue, like a kiss.

The guy got all bent out of shape, like: ”Hey man! Why are you French-kissing my bird, dude?” and was pissed off. John didn't French kiss his bird, but his bird french-kissed him! He was just standing there, holding him on his finger and looking him in the eye and the bird was the one who reached out and gave John his little blue tongue in the mouth.

”Give me my bird back!” He took the bird and said: ”Why don't you guys get out of here! I don't even want you to move my couch!” and he literally kicked them out of his place, they didn't even do the favor that they came to do, and as they drove off he was standing there on the street, kissing his bird, and was all hacked off at John because John had copped a feel or whatever. John was both offended and a little disgusted as he realized that he probably got salmonella at this point.

The bird might have been a little bit bird promiscuous, or at least human-curious. After John was a few miles down the road he thought maybe it was a cry for help and the bird was saying: ”Get me out of here!” Cockatiel is a dirty-sounding bird! John didn’t even know what gender the bird was, it could have been a totally gay experience with that bird, beyond it being a French-kissing with a bird. Merlin says that John had stipulated that fucking something dead that is the same gender as you is a gay thing, but what about an animal?

Having sex with a horse (RL21)

There was a story about some guys down in Woodinville who went out in the middle of the night to have sex with horses and then one guy died (probably the Enumclaw Horse Sex Case). John can't say how much a horse can consent to having sex with a guy, but maybe it will taps twice? One of the guys died because the horse was the man character and the human man was the lady character and as the horse was having sex with him it broke something on his insides.

They were videotaping it because that is what you do and you don't want to let this moment go undocumented. The guy said: ”Oh, something is just wrong now!” and as they got to the hospital it was too late. Horses have pretty large penises! If you make yourself a lady horse, you get what you have coming and the burden is on you to not die from being a lady horse. God bless you! They were probably hoping that they got what was coming. The owner of the horse had not approved of this. whether or not you agree with this or think this is ethical, regardless of your religious background, there are people who would have this discussion about these very things.

John doesn’t know a lot about horses although his cousin runs a horse-rehabilitation clinic outside of Austin for racehorses and thoroughbred horses that got hurt. In the Old West they would shoot it because if they didn't know what to do with something, they would shot it, but now they can do other things and make a $6 million horse better faster stronger. Merlin would like to see the scene with Oscar Goldman describing to the horse what he would be able to do now: ”And for another thing: This is against my better judgment, but you now have a bionic horsecock!”

A horse will always appreciate a bouquet of Alfalfa, whether it is recovering from a $6 million horse surgery or if you were a lady horse the night before and you are a little shy the next day: Alfalfa! Merlin doesn’t think horses contrive in the same way that people do. Like dogs, which people also like to be fucked by, horses mainly want to please us and want to feel useful, like border collies! They are earnest animals.

Merlin is outside his element and he is going to say things that are gonna get him in trouble, but he doesn’t think horses overthink stuff. He would love to be in a relationship that was that clear: We love each other, we have horse sex, we give each other alfalfa. How much simpler everything would be! If John just could have given a bouquet of alfalfa and everything would be right… There are many garter belts Merlin wanted to take back. A horse is not automatically domesticated, but a horse is free in the wild and you have to break the horse, put a saddle on it and make it learn to like it.

Six weeks ago Merlin saw a lady at the Albertsons who was dressed up in her ”getting ready to ride a horse” outfit and he almost flipped his cart over, he was so disoriented. He had his kid and there was a pile of groceries and goldfish crackers. Those pants do something to a lady’s behind and make it seem well cared for! Merlin is not even a big behind guy. Those are expensive pants and a woman in a pair of pants like that has an expensive bottom.

It is a lady who has thought some things through. You don't just fucking show up at Albertsons in giant boots, tight pants and a little hat. You don’t just do that, that is crazy! It is not like: ”I'm a sexy nurse!”, but fuck that, this is the real thing! She surely had been to the Korean spa to have a lady tweeze every last little piece of downy fur out of her bottom. Merlin says that you can get your butt bleached, but John already knew about that.

Girls from Portland being a mix between Punk Rock and Hippie (RL21)

Portland used to be the place where Punk Rock and Hippie culture melded perfectly so that every Punk Rock girl was about 40% Hippie and every Hippie girl was about 40% Punk Rock. It shouldn't work at all, but it worked amazingly! You were driving around, you looked at that stinky hippie, but wait! She was kind of Punk and that was so hot. Then you looked over at that Punk girl, but oh wait! She was kind of Hippie!

It worked girl after girl! John has never been to another place in the universe that so perfectly combined these two generally disgusting lifestyle choices and melded it into something so appealing. This is also the old: ”I went to a different town and the girls are all cute!” problem. There are so many cute girls in San Francisco, you don't even know what to do with yourself, especially if you have just been to LA, which is Real Dolls in cars. That is a great Buzzcocks song.

Merlin having a crush on Aayla Secura from Star Wars (RL21)

Merlin has developed a crush on a blue lady in Star Wars by the name of Aayla Secura from the really good Clone Wars cartoon that is set between Star Wars II and III. John says he recognizes the blue girl from the original Star Wars and suggests she might have been on Jabba of the Hut’s sex barge, but she is a Twi’lek and he must be thinking of something else. According Wookieepedia her outfit gives her more flexibility as a Jedi. She is a fucking Jedi, she is super-confident and blue. Her head-appendages are there because she is a Twi’lek and they all have that.

John being sponsored by Gibson, getting a shop tour (RL21)

The Gibson guitar company used to have a website where you could make your own Les Paul. John went on there many times to make his fantasy Les Paul, but he never clicked ”Buy!” Merlin’s parents did that with catalogs, but they didn't have money and they would just fill out catalogs and never send it in. Gibson quit having that website because it was too useful and too good. John is still representing them, but he doesn’t care anymore.

One time John visited the Gibson custom guitar manufacturing area in Nashville, which is not where they make all the Gibsons, but it is the custom shop. John got a tour because he was sponsored by them. There were Les Pauls and SGs everywhere and he could see all these beautiful guitar bodies that were just a piece of natural wood with not even a neck on it. He was thinking: ”What if I took that and I put this neck on it and I put those pickups on it?” John was doing the thing that he used to do on the website except he was doing it in person with these amazing parts.

There were Luthiers all standing around, little old ladies with really long fingernails who were smoking cigarettes. They have people there whose job it is to scrape the paint off of the binding in a perfect line with a razor blade, it is not done by a machine, it is these 60-year-old chain-smoking ladies who sit with a razor blade all day and peel the paint off the binding after the guitars have been sprayed. John was watching this and said: ”Okay, here is the guitar I want!" He was talking to the guy who runs the custom shop and he was basically describing Neil Young's black 54 Les Paul, but as he got to the end of his little soliloquy the guy said:

”Yeah, that would be great and we could totally do that, except we are not allowed to because the guy who owns the company doesn't want us to spend time making custom cool guitars for people. He wants everybody to buy the 59 Les Paul reissue because he doesn't know what guitar players are like. He is a rich guy who bought the company and he is always coming down here saying things like: "Let's make a Les Paul covered with flames and purple fur, that will get the whole purple fur and flame Rock people!” John screamed bloody murder! The people at the Gibson custom shop are all guitar makers and they all looked at John with sad eyes and said:

”Yeah! Can you imagine what it is like for us here who not just have access to all this stuff, but we have the ability, we are craftspeople and we would like nothing more than for you to come in here and tell us your custom Les Paul dream, but we can't do it because there is no SKU number for that!” At the time John didn't know what a SKU was and he asked: ”What's the difference? It is a Les Paul, but you paint it this color instead of that color!” and they said: ”No, if we paint it a different color it has got a different SKU number, that is the rule!” and they all looked defeated and sad as they made one identical 59 Les Paul reissue after another.

It was a beautiful experience to see these guitars made and to meet all these wonderful people, but John walked out of there with his shoulders slumped! The owner of Gibson guitars models the company after Harley Davidson: He wants to sell a bunch of bullshit to bald suburban guys and ruin what made it good in the first place: "Yeah, we can make a lot more money selling keychains that say Gibson on them than we can by selling guitars!” John is probably going to get in trouble, but who cares!

King Missile was the second most disappointing show Merlin ever went to, Modest Mouse was the worst. John knows the guy from… his name is like John Dongface or Dr. Phil, he lives in San Francisco and he seems nice. Merlin hopes they were high because they were either high or mad about craft services. Merlin has never been to a more phoned in fucking show in his entire life! It was 1997 or 1998 around the The Lonesome Crowded West album. They were huffing modeling glue at that point! Merlin can enjoy a lot of things and likes different kinds of music, but he doesn’t like a low show and doesn’t like being shushed and being told to sit Indian-style.

Kelly Kiefer looking like an albino black girl (RL21)

John’s High School girlfriend (Kelly Kiefer) was a redheaded German Irish girl with Auburn hair and freckles. For a while she had her Auburn hair in cornrows because everybody thought they were going to be Bo Derek for a week and a half, but John didn’t like it. It was the 1980s! One day they were walking down the street when some rednecks drove by, rolled down the window and shouted: ”Nigger lover!”

They were the only people on the street and she and John looked at each other and she started laughing: ”They think I'm black!” John looked at her and all of a sudden this incredibly light-skinned freckle-faced Irish girl with cornrows transformed to an albino black girl in his eyes. They all look like a redheaded Irish girl! John and Kelly realized then that race was a myth.

Real Doll sex dolls, dead rubber girl in the closet (RL21)

John has never seen a love doll in person. Merlin is intrigued by love dolls and he wouldn't want to be with one for a long time, but he would like to at least meet one. One day somebody is going to ask John to come over to their house because they got some files for him or whatever, and when John will be there they will go to the back room to get the files and John will be walking around their living room, opening doors, and behind one of the closet doors there is going to be a love doll. He is not going to know what to do and whether he should grab her, run into the bathroom real quick to have sex with her and put her back.

Merlin had so many things to ask John this week, but he also has so many questions about sex dolls, the love doll in particular. For years those dolls have been a side gag in a movie involving Steve Guttenberg, one of the great comedy geniuses, although his performance in Cocoon… (Merlin interrupts John and says that if John mentions that one more time, their show will be over!)

A lot of stuff in sex shops is not really for sex and for years love dolls have been these jokey blow-up dolls, like a beach ball with holes. It barely looks like anything, it looks super creepy, but it had this thing that you could put your wiener in, a big scary wide mouth, and a shock of a weird-looking animal hair where the lady hair would be. That was the olden days!

The lovedoll.com website and documentation

In the late 1990s Loneliness 2.0 (Merlin means Web 2.0) came along and there was a really pretty website that you just couldn't stop looking at, called lovedoll.com. Merlin went there just to see the HTML. He likes lots of really weird sex things, but love dolls does not ring a lot of those bells. John is looking for his 3x5 cards to write this down, but Merlin is not going to talk about this here. He would admit if he were turned on by love dolls because he is comfortable talking about it intellectually.

There is a documentary about love dolls (probably the one called Guys and Dolls, see also this trailer) and the notion is that love doll wanted to make the most frighteningly lifelike doll sex partner from the get-go. It actually has an inner skeleton, you can bend and mold these girls, the skin gives like human skin would give under a knifepoint and the lady holes are extremely detailed. If NASA had to make a rectum, this is that rectum and JJ. There are people listening to this podcast who work for NASA. Now John started to think about a NASA made rectum.

The movie is sweet in its way. There is definitely a sexual component to it and these guys are forever-alones, which is an internet meme that the young people use. John is not supposed to talk about it if it is from 4Chan. Real Doll are industry leaders since 1996, it is a big vertical space and they are just taunting all the other dead rubber girl manufacturing industries.

Avoiding the uncanny valley, fetish items

Merlin has not seen one of those dolls, but everybody says the same thing: They are so creepily real that they are not real. The FAQ has a thing on how to make her skin warm, which is totally creepy. John’s insight into the love doll uncanny valley problem is that they have addressed the uncanny valley by making a new version of love dolls (their actual name is Real Dolls, which Merlin discovers at this point) that are less realistic and more cartoony with bigger eyes. You can get crazy ones that look like manga cartoons and people are super-psyched about these. It addresses the problem of: ”I have a dead rubber girl in my closet!” Now you have a fetish item instead, like a cartoon rabbit that appeals to people who are Furries and stuff.

Merlin has some friends who are Furries and they are nice! ”I’m having sex with a rubber rabbit girl! It is not a dead girl!" The guy dolls all look like John Waite from The Babys. The thing about guys is that guys are ugly, even real guys are ugly! One of them looks a lot like post-plastic-surgery Bruce Jenner (Caitlyn Jenner), but not in a good way. John is not looking at that website, but he is looking at vintage Porsches. According to what Merlin has read, these dolls are made for you to put your penis in and do other things. You can dress them up, you can put your penis on them and you don't have to put it in.

Customization options, halal dolls

Merlin doesn’t want to go ping pong, but there are a lot of options on this website. You could get an African-American lady with blond hair and Chinese-lady-eyes. John likes girls who have a big nose. He likes Jew-y girls, and no-one in the fantasy girl manufacturing industry thinks that that is an advantage. They are all trying to put perky little noses on girls, which is a Shanda. Think about all the people in the Middle East who would be buying Real Dolls if they just had ones that had a little bit of more of beak!

These dolls are considered halal because no animals were killed to make a Real Doll. If the rabbi was there when they put the lady’s JJ on, that could conceivably get the K on it, and maybe she could have a tattoo, maybe a big K in a circle, but not like a Circle-K place. There is surely some imam in Dubai who has issued a Fatwa, which is not always negative, on Real Dolls: ”I think that this passes! The Prophet Muhammad would have approved of this dead rubber girl!”

Merlin assumes there are preciously few men who are anywhere between browsing casually to collecting these and who ever refer to them as their dead rubber girl. That would be a pretty song Dead Milkman song: ”I met a girl and she was shiny on her skin!” Dean from that band listens to this podcast, Merlin and John really like them a lot. Merlin did not realize that people they know would listen to the show and it freaks him out. John’s mom listened last week and they have to fix that bug.

Introducing somebody else to your love doll

Merlin doesn’t want to click on female Real Doll or on doll closet, which would be a great name for a Portland bar where they had Real Dolls. You give them fake money and they pretend to dance. These things are not inexpensive because there is a lot of craftsmanship involved, you buy one of these things, you dress it up, you interact with it, you spend a lot of time with it, and when some guys would come over to move your couch you would be like: ”I want you to meet somebody!”, you almost couldn't help it!

John is trying to figure out in advance what the etiquette is if somebody introduced you to their dead rubber girl. Do you put your tongue in her mouth? Maybe not because you know what else has been in her mouth! Do you pet her hair? How do you interact with her? There are probably places where they could get a lot of extremely specific tips about that situation.

It is going to be like being introduced to somebody's younger than she should be girlfriend, not underaged, but a ”Old guy with a lady in her 20s” kind of thing, combined with a siamese cat and a nice car. Don't say she has nice tits, don't put your hands near her mouth and don't start rubbing the upholstery, that is the kind of thing somebody would respect, coming in and treating their Real Doll with respect just like you treat them.

What guys care about in a woman, more customization options

Merlin looks at a lot of terrifying things on the internet, but there are many links he is not clicking on. Buying a Real Doll is like buying a PC in the late 1990s: You give them a lot of specifications what you are looking for, down to things like fingernails: Do you want that creepy French manicure thing? You choose the body types and they have put the power in the hands of the horse man here.

John hopes Real Doll will sponsor them after this! If not for a free doll he would at least like to get some money. It sounds to Merlin that John would at least give one of these ladies a spin. John would take her around the block, he is not going to deny it, he would be curious. He would have some remorse the next day, but he would show up with some alfalfa and try and to smooth it over. Merlin doesn’t want to know what John likes in bed.

Manicure is an example of a thing that women do for one another and no man has ever cared about it. John can't imagine that there is a guy who says: ”Oh, your fingernails! Oh my God! When I get a Real Doll I am going to get her fingernails a certain way!” John has certainly never looked at a woman's fingernails and thought she did that for him.

There is this whole constellation, all the bullshit that every mook likes: ”I want her to have boobs!” and then there is the other side, like ”I want her to have a prosthetic leg and be named Amy!” and in between that there is such a range! Merlin just flipped a switch in John that he didn’t knew was in him! Merlin was at a store for that in Portland the other day, he should have gotten John one. At the prosthetic limb store? It is called Famy Amy, over in Stumptown. Is that a neighborhood in Portland? No, Portland used to be called Stumptown, it was its nickname. That was almost a really good joke and John was just a little too smart.

There is a continuum between a preference in a fetish. The fetish folks have a pretty good idea of what they are looking for and not always an easy time getting it, and the further off on the continuum you are, the tougher that may be. A Real Doll comes in handy there. In the FAQ it gives you some ideas, and there are questions like: ”How much can I choke my doll without breaking it?”, ”How much weight can the doll support?” - ”Real Dolls can safely support over 400 pounds (180 kg)” There are surely guys who have read that and said: ”Only 400 pounds? Darn!” - ”Tell me more about the doll’s entries!” Was that a Judas Priest record? ”What is the range of the doll’s joints?”, ”Can a Real Doll’s fingers close and grip?”

At this point they are getting into anthropology. There are things like hairstyles, general style of dress, how she keeps her nails, does she wear a scarf, or does she have this kind of backpack, there is a whole bunch of stuff that is a woman's way, just like a man's way is having an expensive thing or a nice thing or a signifying thing. Some people buy iPhones only because they want to be somebody who bought an iPhone, it could be a telegraph to other people.

There are a lot of really cute ladies in Portland who would never have anything to do with Merlin, but he respects that. FAQ number 1 is: ”Can i get customized lobby and nipples?” - ”Yes, we are able to do customized genitalia and nipples!” Merlin’s pronunciation of certain things is one of the great joys for John. John is attracted to the Victoria or Laila model. Victoria is like a wide-faced Irish girl who seems mad and a little drunk. Seven minutes after you come in her there is a really long Piana Kota (?)

”Can you sculpt a custom head or likeness from a photo?” - ”Of course they can!”, or ”Can I have a doll made of a celebrity model or my ex-girlfriend, like if i bring a driver's license to you, can you make a Real Doll that looks just like the person in the driver’s license?” The next step would be cloning: ”If I bring the sock that I stole…”

Choosing between orifices

There are even fuckable feet you can buy! John knew about that and he saw one on the internet the other day, not a lifelike foot you can frottage, but a foot with a vagina in it and on the bottom of the foot there was an orifice that looks like an orifice that John has seen in other locations. With all the women he has known he has never seen one with an orifice on the bottom of their foot. It is a front door in a disembodied foot. The labia is on the sole of the dead rubber foot. One of the great rejected titles for an Al Green record: ”Sole Vagina”!

This is a bespoke dead rubber girl and you get to pick! It is hard for Merlin to think of a non-obvious topic that needs deeper penetration than this. They can talk about music, they are going to have their Paul McCartney show, and there is a lot of bullshit that anybody could guess, like: ”John and Merlin are going to talk about toilet paper and food, let me go fucking get my toilet paper and my food so i can play along while they talk!”

There are a lot of customization available! You can get the kind of hair you want. John understands it is impossible to buy a stock Real Doll, but you have to make a custom Real Doll. You can't just buy version A, you have to say ”I want Angelina Jolie lips and I want Charlize Theron (inaudible) area” The standard female model has all three entries and Merlin is going to call all of the penetrable lady parts ”entries” from now on.

more advanced options, shemale attachments

Those dolls cost $5999! You can get elf ears for $150, there are custom skin tones, expression faces that look like Tawny Kitaen. She was married to David Coverdale, the guy from Whitesnake. There is a shemale doll and the first sentence under option A is ”Detachable penis”, which is a King Missile song (that is actually true!) ”For a permanently attached penis with testicles but no vagina add $750 to your order!”

Is there anything to be lost by making it detachable? It seems that it gives you options! When you detach it, what do you have there? Is it a bolt? Is it an entry? You can change to a different size penis attachment, additional penis attachments are $250. Option C is permanently attached penis, no testicles but with the vagina intact for $1000, the Jamie Lee Curtis deal. There is a Female Real Doll II on the left rail. She weighs 80 pounds (35 kg) and 5’3” (160cm), it is a really real fucking Real Doll: It weighs stuff, it feels like a lady, is is an honest-to-God actual real dead rubber girl!

The skin tone options are fair, Asian, medium, tanned, and light African, you can even get a blue doll, but you can't get a dark African, which is offensive because there should be a dark girl. There is also no fucking Grace Jones button, Merlin would click the shit out of that! A Mara with fair skin would be crazy, but when you click on it, it is not a real preview. She would probably look like an albino black girl. Merlin looks at every one of these Real Doll faces and he sees a problem in the relationship with every one of them and it is all his fault.

There is no ”no polish” option for finger- and toenails and John would go French Manicure, but Merlin hates that and would probably go with plain red. Merlin thinks that French Manicure is disgusting and calls them ”Biz Dev girls”. Hairstyle is going to be complicated, but you can get a custom hairstyle. John doesn’t want natural lips because those don't look natural, but they look like a peach.

You can buy a shemale converter for $399 that looks like either a workout machine or some kind of a frosty drink maker, maybe a flight-based video game. John doesn’t see how that can support a 400-pound (180 kg) man architecturally. The dingus that holds it into the shell of the dead rubber lady body is going to have to be very strong, like steel or titanium. It is a Terminator body under there! The only reason to have that appendage attached to this girl is to sit on it and make yourself a lady horse.

There is a link: ”Click here to see the masterpiece eyes collection” You can get the Vagina attachment permanent or removable. Under extra options there are "one cup size larger breasts." John feels like he is at Comic Con because there is one girl with elf ears surrounded by sixty 400-pound (180 kg) men. It is still hard to understand for Merlin why anyone would go to that. John had a great time last year! These Real Doll ladies in situ as they arrive have something very near jugs or hooters. The two basic models have either 33 C-cups, which is one of Merlin’s favorite cups. It is a good amount like a medium-sized Coke.

The website and the business model

Merlin wishes they would let him redesign this website because there are a lot of UI things that they could make a lot easier. He just figured out where the real money is: You will be paying $6000 dollars for these things! The "one cup size larger breasts" are $850. At the very bottom of the page, the red text says: ”Real Doll express $500: "Your Doll is guaranteed to be manufactured and shipped within four weeks of receipt of payment. Normal manufacturing time is estimated at eight weeks, could be longer”

Back in the day Merlin used to do things with web pages. We all know the economic notion of sunk cost fallacy, we all know that for example if I get somebody to fill out the first page of a form, let's say all I'm asking for is your name and city, just that act of making you go to the next page oddly enough increases the chances that you will fill out the whole form because you have already spent some time on it. Merlin could see somebody getting a bottle of Absolut (Vodka) and spending a real long time filling out this form, trying some different things. He has done this with building Macs, like: ”What if I get this hard drive? What if i get that hard drive?”

You get down to the bottom and you have been thinking a lot about all the different ways you could fuck your dead rubber girl, and you see that little click box for Real Doll express and you realize your life is at a fork in the road: You can either wait for four weeks to fuck a dead rubber girl, or you can wait for eight weeks to fuck a dead rubber girls. You can pay $500 and cut your time in half, which is a comparatively small amount of money.

That is no small thing, and it is worth $500 to never ever ever be alone again or to be permanently alone. You can't put a price on that! Being permanently lonely in a way that really works, plus having those fucking white fingernails and a dong you can take out? There are options here that you are just not going to find a lot of places. This is flexibility! You can get tan lines. Merlin is going with Michelle.


There is probably going to be a Gibson-branded Real Doll with F-holes on her in addition to the three normal entries. Merlin is worried that this cocksucker (the owner of Gibson) will order a Real Doll. What if you could only buy an Ethel Mertz sex doll from I Love Lucy? John would do what he has done with the Gibson guitar, which is not order one. You get a horse!

On the top of the website you can buy torsos with no limbs and with just the points of entry. You can get extra faces. Face 13: Smiling! Are you going to blow through those? Are you going to tear it up that bad? You can get them smiling so they don't look like stupid Angelina Jolie shaq face (?). Most of them have the sex face. You can get them with their eyes closed so they are not judging you or watching you with their judgy eyes.

The sad thing is that the smiley faces do not have an oral opening and you have to choose between dumb fuck face that you can really use or smiley face. You are going to want a smiley face, but what can you do with the smiley face? All you can do is appreciate it.

Merlin read you can even buy these used, or pre-owned. Maybe you would have to do some steam cleaning? If Merlin could get a horse like this, would he get it smiling? He would probably get it alfalfa! Would he get the smiley horseface or the sex horse face? Dead rubber girl!

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