OM176 - The Onion Futures Act

Jesuits, football players, presidents (OM176)

The crash of the onion market in 1956 attracted the attention of the USDA and of government regulators. A congressman by the name of no less than Gerald Ford introduced the Onion Futures Act, which prohibited Futures trading in onions. Maybe the future president Ford is not the brightest commissioner on the Warren Commission, as characterized by Chevy Chase, or do you secretly think that Ford is actually quite a genius, like most Michigan Football players?

The problem with Jesuits is that there are two kinds of Jesuits: One kind of Jesuit is closeted homosexual intellectuals who take the priesthood because that is what happens to the third son in a Catholic family, and the other half of Jesuit priests are football players who couldn’t find another job. This is John’s experience with Michigan football players. Some graduates of Michigan are geniuses and they are all closeted homosexuals. Then the football players become president of the United States. Is this why Betty Ford opened her onion rehab clinic? Did she have a lot of sexual frustration? John’s feeling about being the president is that it requires you to be smarter than the average bear and even George W. Bush and Gerald Ford, the presidents that were famously dull, still had to be pretty smart to handle just the basic duties of the president. Our current president is maybe making that a harder case, but John does feel like he has many capabilities, although he is not an intellectual.

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